Normal programming is not happening around here today (What’s normal, anyway?).
Instead, I’m giving you a How-To Guide. Since all the cool bloggers have some sort of Pinnable post.
Not sure this will snag any Post of the Year awards, though. Mostly because it breaks all the blogging rules, including the one that says a post should add value to the reader.
50 Tips on How-Not-To Write a Winning Blog Post
- Sip coffee, and comment on a gazillion other blogs for an hour, as though you have all day to hang out on the Internets.
- Get a shower, because your hair must be right before you type.
- Sit down with your laptop.
- Spend 42 minutes creating images for the post you haven’t even written yet.
- Hold 2 texting conversations, while looking for a dinner recipe on Pinterest...for tonight. (You aren’t equipped to look in your pantry and just whip something up. Structure and steps are necessary.)
- Open a new draft on WordPress.
- Stare at the screen.
- Get distracted by the 10-deep stack of papers on the bar, which you meant to sort through last week.
- Fill out forms; throw away old homework; and make a new stack for the All. The. Stuff. your mind can’t handle at the moment.
- Realize that old homework just might not be. Dig in the trash to recover it.
- Clean the kitchen counters. (The crumbs and smudges assaulted you as you surfed through the mound of sign-up forms.)
- Since momentum shouldn’t be wasted, you decide to clean out the kitchen inbox, which was created to garner efficiency. (It has since become the place that papers go to die and be forever forgotten.)
- Discover Walmart and Toys-R-Us gift cards stuck in the so-called inbox.
- Feel kind of awesome for a minute for finding money.
- Warm up your coffee in the microwave.
- Decide you want chai tea instead.
- Sit down (again) to start writing.
- Notice it’s 12:15pm, and you probably need to eat lunch.
- Cook a bowl of quinoa and turkey. (By cook, I mean open the bag and put in microwave.)
- Sit down to start the blog post.
- Realize it’s 1:30pm, and you remember the note from your child’s teacher, stating he needs new pencils and 4 large glue sticks.
- Since you need to spend your new Walmart money anyway, you head that way.
- Go up and down the aisles wishing this was a Target gift card instead.
- Leave with Pop-tarts, milk, 24 new pencils, 4 large glue sticks, mason jars, and dinner. (Because it’s too late to cook AND write a new blog post AND paint the mason jars you just bought.) PRIORITIES, friends. Priorities.
- Once back home, you unload your treasures, then crack open the laptop.
- See message that the latest Adobe update needs to be installed. (Because of course…!)
- You forget that Adobe should probably be installed by now, because you’re hyper-focused on the stupid mason jars.
- Clock reads 2:40pm. You have half an hour before the child gets out of school, and you haven’t gone for your run yet. (It’s Monday, and you swore you’d start again today.)
- Put the paintbrushes in water, because that’s what you did in 6th grade art.
- Run 1.75 miles, because that’s all you have time to do.
- Greet your child when he walks in the door.
- Open up your laptop again to work on blog post, while he does math homework.
- Decide to pull out a canvas to paint instead. (Because now you’re Picasso or something.)
- Get frustrated because you aren’t Picasso.
- But you kind of don’t feel like a writer, either, since absolutely NO WORDS are coming.
- 4:40pm: text husband to see when he’ll be home. Since…well, dinner and all.
- 5:20pm: Open a bag of frozen sweet and sour chicken, and wonder how long you can pull this off as your own recipe.
- Decide not to lie. (He’s not so easily fooled.) (And he knows you too well.)
- Greet your husband when he walks in the door.
- Call your child in for dinner. Tell him he needs to get dressed for the baseball game.
- Put a glaze on your mason jars, while husband and son eat dinner.
- Wash their dishes.
- Quickly swipe peanut butter and jelly on two slices of bread.
- Get in the truck and head to (what feels like) the 16th ball game in 9 days.
- Eat your PB&J, while listening to husband and son talk pitching technique.
- Write this awful blog post from behind home plate. (It might as well be your kitchen table, you’re there so much.)
- Upload. Save Draft. Schedule to publish.
- Go to bed thankful that at least one thing was completed. God bless those mason jars.
Here’s wishing you a productive day! You probably shouldn’t follow this guide…
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