Luke (my 9 year old) often gives me unsolicited advice.
Sometimes I’m taken aback at the perfunctory wisdom that pours out of his mouth; and then other times I’d like to tape his mouth shut. And at least 6 out of 10 times, I make a mental note to blame his father.
Nonetheless, Luke’s proven tips are guaranteed to improve your life. (Or so he thinks.)
1) When you go shopping, plan it out so that you don’t get distracted by what you didn’t go for in the first place. (This instruction was given to me on a recent trip to Hobby Lobby.)
2) Always make sure your airplane is going in the direction of the place you want to go. Indeed. This statement was made as we took off from Los Angeles back to Houston. Luke couldn’t understand why we were flying over water…since it only made sense that the route from LA to Houston would be over land. (Since Larry was asleep, I left this explanation alone because I don’t do science or geography.)
3) All the good Monday’s happen during the summer. Except for Labor Day.
4) Never leave your kid in a rental car. This advice was prompted by that time Larry and I got out of the rental car, and didn’t realize Luke was locked in the back seat. In our defense, we barely walked 6 feet before we noticed.
5) You can use less words if you leave out half the details. And you should always try to do that. Apparently I have a reputation around this house for talking a lot, and Luke prefers an efficient economy of words. Whatever. Good luck with that one, kid.
6) Cookie cake has more protein than birthday cake. Go for the cookie kind every time if you want big muscles. Says the kid who doesn’t understand why people choose cake over cookies, and who also does not understand the difference between protein and sugar.
7) If you’re going to be a good speaker, you can’t use “uh” between all your sentences. Dead pan words of advice given to me as I watched a playback of a talk I had given. (He should have inserted here: “Don’t be a masochist and watch the playback just to prove it was as awful as you thought.”)
8) High maintenance people cause a lot of problems for everyone around them. I’ve lost count of the times Luke has offered this nugget of wisdom. But it’s mainly given in response to something I’ve planned, decided, or said. (Chalk this one up to his father’s brainwashing.)
9) Loud sneezing isn’t necessary. And it’s also annoying. The eldest male in this house over-exaggerates a sneeze every single time. Luke believes the world would be a better place if people would learn to sneeze quietly. (I can’t argue.)
10) Sometimes a man just wants to be quiet…especially when he first gets home from school. I’m no rocket psychologist, but I think this could be interpreted as, “…STOP ASKING ME SO MANY QUESTIONS before I have time to put my backpack down.”
11) You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. So be grateful for your Xbox. This observation came on the heels of a conversation about gratitude…which followed a suffering of consequences for failure to take care of responsibilites.
12) Moms and Dads need to be careful how they act. Because a kid is a kid because his parents raised them like that. (This may or may not have been one of the times I wanted to tape his mouth shut.)
13) You can help people in a lot of ways, but you can’t fix dumb. This little bit of wisdom has been shared multiple times over the years. I usually try to help him reframe this in a kinder way. Clearly my efforts have been fruitless.
14) There are lots of old people at church, because they want to make sure they go to heaven.
15) If you can’t hear very well, you probably shouldn’t work in a drive-thru. (Like my Dad. He would never make it in that job.)
There you have it. Welcome to my world.
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